# Bee Humor - Post funny bee stories



## NewbeeNnc (May 21, 2009)

I'll start it off. I had a friend who was 30 years older than myself. He got into bee keeping to pollinate a berry crop he was intending to sell. His first year he was so intrigued by the bees he would sit hours on end and watch. Right after he got his first packages installed, the dutch clover was blooming all over his field that he kept mowed. He appreciated and loved his bees so much that as he was mowing he would stop to let the bees jump off the clover. Needless to say he was stopping every few inches. The funny part of the story was that his neighbor couldn't figure out what was wrong with him, he thought he was having a stroke so he called the family and an ambulance out on him. Then he had to explain what he was doing.

I guess we're all a little crazy about our girls!


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## suttonbeeman (Aug 22, 2003)

Got pulled over by Georgia DOT officer last year....He got out of his car pulled up his pants, neatly put his hat on, got out his inspection papers to give me the 9th degree and walked to toward of my truck....saw the bees on my truck and ran back with head one foot from ground at 80 mph to car while motioning for me to go on, got in car and rolled up window...waved bye to me as he drove off!


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## Rebel Rose (Apr 5, 2009)

I used to have problems with gas thieves, who siphoned gas from my vehicles on almost a nightly basis. Then one night I just happened to bring home some swarms/hive bodies in the back of my truck and I was too tired to put them out in the bee yard, so I placed them next to my truck in the driveway for the night....and guess what? NO gas was missing the next morning! I then moved one hive off to the side of the driveway and started parking my truck's gas door right next to it...really close. No more gas has been missing since!

I then moved another really gentle hive onto my front porch and no more 'Watchtowers' have been found left at my door, nor have sales people have bothered me since. I have since replaced the Carnies with an old hive which has no bees in it....but I am not telling! 

Brenda


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## Wunderdawg (Apr 14, 2009)

The other day I was mowing my pasture with my old Farmall "A". It is a hand crank job, and starts very easily, unless it has been running, and is warm. So I was mowing the fence row, and decided that I would make a pass by the hives. I could tell they didn't like it, but was determined to get as close as I could. So around the tree I went to make one more quick pass on the other side of the hives, and just as I was even with them, about 3 feet from them, my tractor ran out of gas. So I jumped off the tractor, in my shorts, with no shirt, and made a "bee"line for the barn. Needless to say, I will make sure I have plenty of gas before I try that again....:doh:


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## Tom G. Laury (May 24, 2008)

Many years ago, I had a poor boy friend who was slowly building his bees to try to make a little money. One spring he got permission to place them on property for orange bloom. The next door neighbor was a chronic complainer, etc. He phoned and harassed the County until the Resources department told Vern he would have to move them. No violation of codes of any kind, Ag dept saw no violations of any kind. Resources dept. totally intimidated him, and gave 48 hours to remove, which he did. After some further consideration and conversation, Vern (my buddy) moved hives back in. County called, said they would have him in court in 72 hours. Fine, Vern said see you there. Over the weekend the County employed who knows how many people counting bees on trees, observing flight, etc. Monday morn we were in court. Vern explained how far bees fly, oranges are highly attractive, how many other registered apiaries in flying distance, and so on. No no no said Resources, we saw the bees coming and going, you are creating a health hazard and this man is being denied use of his property. So those are my bees? Yes we saw them.

Your honor, those boxes are all empty let's go look right now. 
His honor: " Is this true? " Yes let's go look.
Judge told the county attorneys: " I don't EVER want to see a case like this again in my court room, do you understand? "  :thumbsup:

Outside the court, city slicker attorneys told Vern: " You tricked us! "
Vern said " Didn't do your homework did you? "

It was a good day. :lpf:


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## Tom G. Laury (May 24, 2008)

C'mon lets hear some  stories!


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## BEES4U (Oct 10, 2007)

C'mon lets hear some stories! 
I am sure that most of you have heard about a man selling his honey and the queen got mated to a tumble bug.
Ernie


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## NewbeeNnc (May 21, 2009)

I can't believe there a just a few stories out there.


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## btedeski (May 28, 2009)

here is a picture you all might enjoy

My Girlfriend and me each holding a frame of bees


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## Michael Palmer (Dec 29, 2006)

So, I'm always short on help. I'll hire just about anyone. And I've had all kinds.

1999. I was trying to do harvest alone...700 colonies. Anybody looked good at that point. There was this one guy...Jamie. Nice enough. Dysleksic as hell, but not a drunk or a drug addict. Played classical piano as a teenager. Interesting enough to talk to. Came from the same area of the Neversink river valley of NY that my ancestors settled. Bit of a kook. Everytime we drove past a cemetery, he'd hold up his hand, putting it down after we'd passed by. After a few times I said..OK, what gives? Oh says Jamie, I'm just saying hi. As I said...just about anybody looked good at that point.

First yard, I show him what to do. I Bee-Go the bees and he carries the super to the truck. I show him how to stack and cover the supers so the robbers don't get going. He's in full suit, and I'm in a tee shirt. My Hound Charlotte is on the front seat of the truck...not allowed out in that yard...traffic problems.

So Jamie can't figure which side of the super is up. Don't ask how he flips them, but needless to say, the supers aren't being sacked square. And the robbers are starting. I show him again. But he just doesn't get it. Hard when you don't know which end is up.

And now the robbers are really going wild. And he's in a full suit and I'm in a tee shirt. And the bees are on me like flys on .... And they're after him like a cloud. And he's opening the truck door, and my poor Charlotte is covered with stinging bees. And she's out of that truck like a shot. 

Jamie tries to hold her, but she bites him a good one and out onto state route 7. A pickup drives past with the tailgate down, and Charlotte says "enough." She jumps in as the truck goes past, and is gone down the road. Jamie runs off down the road, too. Leaves Mike to pick up the yard and cover the hives and get the .... stung out of me one more time. 

I found Charlotte down the road on someone's front lawn, licking her wounds. Jamie was a bit further away...still not knowing which end was up.

And I finished the year by myself...well...with Charlotte, anyway. Man's Best Friend.


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## luvin honey (Jul 2, 2009)

Being an absolute nut for honey and a first-year beek, I guess my greed showed through. During a recent split, a small chunk of comb honey fell into the hive. I grabbed that puppy, shoved up my veil and stuffed it in. Mmmm.... Chew, chew, ZAP!!!! It took about 5 seconds to realize that yes, I had actually been stung on my tongue!!! I stuck my tongue out and asked my hubby if he could "thee the thstinger." Guess my usual fillet knife was not a safe route to get it out. So I scraped my tongue back and forth over my teeth, scraped that thing out and tried to enjoy what was left of the honey in my mouth. Yikes!


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## Alex Cantacuzene (May 29, 2003)

Our hives are in a suburban area with neighbors, some shrubs and a creek. When I first thought of bringing bees I spoke with my closest neighbor and asked if he had any objections. His face darkened and he thought.......then his face lit up and he said: "Great idea....keeps the kids out of the backyard." We are still good neighbors, the kids understand and all is well.


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## NewbeeNnc (May 21, 2009)

Good stuff guys, keep em coming.


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## Tom G. Laury (May 24, 2008)

*Try Not to Laugh*

One spring my two old Chevy gas rigs were giving me heck. The top ends were cracking and leaking etc. I'm headed 200 miles South and overheating on the beginning of a grade, loaded with bees. Heating up fast, like a head gasket. Steep grade ahead (Tejon Pass). Pulled in to the truck stop and called a hook. $250 later Iwas at the top of the pass, downhill, nurse it, nurse it, up the hill through Ojai; MADE IT TO THE RANCH GATE!!!  Still getting hot, but on up the canyon to the bee set. 3 am, sleep in truck. Unloaded after waking up, parked in the shade. Lifted hood 












Loose fan belt.


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## cow pollinater (Dec 5, 2007)

I had an old cow that was blind in one eye with a major additude at my little hideout where I keep the bees with an additude. The cow got a foxtail in her good eye so I *tried* to get her into the chute to fix her up. The chute is under the barn and right around the corner from the bees. I swore off horses ten years ago so it was me and two dogs with one mad/blind cow forty feet from about the hottest bees that I've ever kept. She plowed through the fence and through about ten hives before the stinging really started.
I think we all lost on that deal.


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## afss (Mar 19, 2009)

*Re: Try Not to Laugh*

I am a first year beek. I have 2 hives. Last Saturday morning i went to check on them. I knelt donw behind them and unplugged the electric fence and then noticed the loud, LOUD buzz. I thought "... thats not good" and looked up to thousands of bees in the air. Walked around the orchard trying to find where they would settle with no real luck. I called an experienced beek friend and told him i thought i had a swarm on, he didn't wait for me to ask, just asked where i lived and said he would be right over.
I bandaged together (built from scraps in 15 minutes) a super box and bottom and top. My buddy arrived and he went to see where they were, when he came back he said they had landed and he sprayed them with sw while i draged the new box out to the orchard. He then asked for some milk crates or similar to set the box on so i got them. When i got back he positioned them under the "small swarm of what he figured was 6000 bees". I was good up to this point. he then says, "you wanna hold the box up under them or shake the branch". my response was "neither"  I ended up doing the shake part and it went remarkably well, i just laugh about it now when i think about my response, he didn't think i was serious but i was.


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## afss (Mar 19, 2009)

*finally a use for cats*

I love all animals, just some a little less than others. We have cats because my wife likes them. I like them fine when they are someone elses and for the most part they feel the same way about me.

About 2 weeks after i started keeping bees i got home on a particularly windy day and figured i should check the hives as i hadn't weighed them down yet. I walked out to the orchard and one of the cats followed along. I stood along side the bees watching them come and go for a few minutes. Till this point the cats and dogs had almost by intuition steered clear of the hives. This day was different and the cat saw the bees coming and going and started under the electric fence for a close look. 

I figured sure as anything it was going to get a zap. by some stroke of luck (for it) it didn't and it walked up to the side of the entrance and watched for a minute or so and then turned around. As it was coming back out the wind blew a bit and the lowest band of the fence waved in the wind. I saw the cats eyes narrow in on it as they do when they see prey.

Thinking i was doing the thing a favor i said "hades, NO!" the cat paused and looked at me and gave me that "who do you think you are telling me what to do" leer and promptly drove its nose full long into the wire. I think i saw the spark, i know i heard the zap. His eyes crossed, tail went straight out fur all up and ran faster than i have ever seen a cat move in the screwy zig zag pattern. I was laughing so hard i couldn't stand up. My wife didn't find it quite so humorous, but i figured at least i found a use for them. I know figure CAT stands for Certified Arc Tester 


BTW about a week later the other CAT gots its initiation in a similar fassion, this time trying to go under the wire, but still full on the nose, this one ran in a straight line, hes a fat old thing and even though it was about the speed of a brisk walk he ran as fast as i have ever seen it move, it was kind alike watching a dog run away from home on the prairies, you can see it going forever


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## NewbeeNnc (May 21, 2009)

*Re: Try Not to Laugh*



Tom G. Laury said:


> Steep grade ahead (Tejon Pass).


Isn't Tejon pass where there have been some bad train wrecks because of the grade?


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## BEES4U (Oct 10, 2007)

Isn't Tejon pass where there have been some bad train wrecks because of the grade? 
Tejon pass was where there was a Fort to keep the peace. There is one last building still standing.
I saw a grave marker that said, here lies Peter Lebec. Killed by a Grizzly bear in 18??
It's adjacent to the I-5
Ernie


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## BeeAware (Mar 24, 2007)

Last spring a young lady phoned me and requested that I come immediately to remove a swarm of bees from an outside storage building. The bees had collected on an outside wall under the roof overhang. I arrived with my swarm catch stuff and went to see the swarm. The young woman was still at the house when I went out to the shed and I did not know that she later came along to see the capture.

I placed my screened box on top of a small stepladder, sprayed the bees with sugar water and climbed up and brushed the swarm into the box. When I had closed up the box, I saw the young lady standing next to the door watching the process. She then informed me that she had set up a hive near her garden and wanted to keep the bees, she said that she had been waiting for a swarm for 2 years. A little surprised, I handed her the box of bees and started putting up my ladder and other equipment. She was wearing a pair of loose fitting shorts and a tee shirt when she tried to dump those bees into her hive! I heard the screams and went to see what had happened. She was running across the back yard toward the house all the while trying to remove her shorts. I guess bees had crawled inside the shorts because she went into the back door of the house in nothing but her panties and tee shirt! I went and got my bee box and left with a chuckle but no bees.


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## Tom G. Laury (May 24, 2008)

*Tejon Pass*

The highway department used to haul logs from the bottom back to the top. 

Truckers would then chain the log or two to the back of the truck and pray like those cliff divers in Acapulco.

That's where I learned to drive.


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## Tom G. Laury (May 24, 2008)

*Tehachapi Pass*

Tehachapi is world famous amongst train lovers because it's a can't be done engineering project that US engineers GOT ER DONE!

It's incredible even if you're driving on the interstate you can see this train snaking down the grade. Too much drop in elevation in relation to lineal track distance or whatever you call it.


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## Tom G. Laury (May 24, 2008)

*funny bee stories*

BeeAware: Are you SURE you are telling us the WHOLE story?


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## BeeAware (Mar 24, 2007)

*Re: funny bee stories*



Tom G. Laury said:


> BeeAware: Are you SURE you are telling us the WHOLE story?


Yea, that's the whole story! I noticed this year that the lady has two hives in the backyard now. I hope number 2 came a little easier for her.


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## NewbeeNnc (May 21, 2009)

BEES4U said:


> Isn't Tejon pass where there have been some bad train wrecks because of the grade?
> Tejon pass was where there was a Fort to keep the peace. There is one last building still standing.
> I saw a grave marker that said, here lies Peter Lebec. Killed by a Grizzly bear in 18??
> It's adjacent to the I-5
> Ernie


I was thining of El Cajon pass


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## NewbeeNnc (May 21, 2009)

*Re: Tehachapi Pass*



Tom G. Laury said:


> Tehachapi is world famous amongst train lovers because it's a can't be done engineering project that US engineers GOT ER DONE!
> 
> It's incredible even if you're driving on the interstate you can see this train snaking down the grade. Too much drop in elevation in relation to lineal track distance or whatever you call it.


We have a DOT engineering feat like that in the Mountains of NC, called the Viaduct on the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's a snake bridge that helped connect the parkway together witout having to blow up rock and destroy mountain side.


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## wildbranch2007 (Dec 3, 2008)

I pollinated for a 600 acre truck farm in Conn. THis was a permanent placement, I explaind the location type needed and they had me put 20 hives in a field. The third year I show up to work the hives and the field is under water, drainage pipe collapsed but bottom boards are above water so I walk in water over my shoes and start checking hives. paying attention to bees and right behind me two ducks start sqwaking as they float by. Come to think of it, this was only funny to the ducks.

same farm the next year, the manager asks if bees will work peppers as this is his money maker, I look up online and give him a printout of recommendation # hives per acre etc. He plants 20 acres right in front of 15 hives. I'm down working the hives one day when he's checking the peppers, he comes walking over eyes wide and looking worried, says " my god they pollinated every single flower, the plant are overloaded", turns out he made a fortune with the first early picking but the plants didn't produce as much the rest of the year and he couldn't supply all of his customers. he kept his peppers away from my bees after that. 

mike


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## NewbeeNnc (May 21, 2009)

Could he not prune the peppers back some? Maybe too much work. I know with the apple and peach orchards I pollinate they prune year round to produce a better crop, just like grapes.


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## wildbranch2007 (Dec 3, 2008)

NewbeeNnc said:


> Could he not prune the peppers back some?


I wouldn't even try to guess what that would have cost him. # of plant per acer X no of acres.

I had another one this year my partner reminded me about, a freind of his keeps buying packages and having realll queen problems, so one day I was talking to him and he asked if I would raise him some queen cells. After I had raised some I started a batch for him. When they were capped I told my partner to let him know there would be 40 be ready in seven days. A couple days later he runs into the guy and tells him, the guy says I'm on a three week schedule with my bees I can't use them until the next week. Next time he sees the guy he askes about the queen cells , tells them I saved them in the freezer for him. His face hit the floor. 

mike


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## Tom G. Laury (May 24, 2008)

I keep forgetting this one and then trying to recall...I'll tell it now:

My great uncle Del had a dairy in Wisconsin complete with bee man who brought comb honey every year. One year he brought the honey, but said it wasn't fit for table use as it had bitterweed mixed in. But...it was good for baiting bears; just throw on a fire. Del had a cabin on a lake up in the Gunflint country, and that fall he was burning leaves with a good on shore breeze. Try this out he thought. Threw one section on and it sure did burn good, but no bears. Another, still no bears. Finally the whole case was thrown on, fire burned down,night fell. Next morning he told me the whole little cabin resort area was OVERRUN with bears, knocking on doors, trying to enter the grocery store, walking the streets with growling stomachs!  He estimated a good 20 or so within his immediate vicinity.  Everybody wondered except him.


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## Doc5000 (Jul 3, 2009)

Okay, I will tell a story on myself. About 17 years ago, I had a co-worker who had a friend who wanted to get a beehive. She knew I had some books about beekeeping and asked me to lend them to him. I gave them to her. I never met the guy and forgot all about it. 

About a year and half later, I had taken a job where certain people were often quite angry when I did my job correctly. I got a package in the mail one day. It was a Sunday afternoon because I had not checked the mail the day before. It was very heavy for its size, which was about 12X8X6 inches. I did not recognize the name or the address. I was afraid it might be a bomb. (I know that is very unlikely, but I had young children to worry about). 

I notified the sheriff's office. A deputy came out and looked at it and sent another officer to the return address to see who had sent it. The girls living at the return address denied any knowledge of a person by that name. That did it. The cops called out the bomb squad, who were completely overjoyed at the call. They all came out to the house dressed in black jumpsuits, combat boots and lots of nylon webbing and equipment bags. It was Sunday afternoon and they were called out from their homes to save lives. I am not really making fun of them; I have been a police officer and sort of know the feeling. They were very serious and professional. 

They finally decided to destroy the package with a device that shoots a very high velocity pulse of water at a bomb. Of course, first, they had to evacuate the neighbors for 3 houses on each side and across the street. They blew the thing up and found out it was two jars of honey and the books that I had lent the aspiring beekeeper. He had sent them back with the honey to say thank you. It turned out that he had become so enamored of beekeeping that he quit his job, bought a flatbed truck and 500 hives and became a professional beekeeper. 

The two girls at the home were his roommates. They denied knowing who he was because they thought the cops were after him and wanted to give him a chance to get away. I still have the books, complete with the holes drilled in them by the high pressure water device. On the bright side, my wife hasn't mentioned that story in at least 4 months.


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## Tom G. Laury (May 24, 2008)

"...at least 4 months..."


Doc, according to your post this happened 17 years ago.?


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## suttonbeeman (Aug 22, 2003)

After reading doc's above post I now have a better understanding of the post he wrote in Fl new law!(sorry couldnt resist it).


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## NewbeeNnc (May 21, 2009)

Seeing sharpy98's post of him getting aquainted with some angry girls, I thought I would bump this post back up to see if there are any more stories.


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## Tom G. Laury (May 24, 2008)

Thank you Newbee, I,m not out of stories yet by far but would like to hear someone else around the campfire. Near death? Living nightmare? Unbeleivables that are true? How about life before cellphones?


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## mintong (Apr 3, 2004)

I had to drive through town and out to my place wearing a bee suit because the box a swarm was in had a hole. Result was a car full of bees. A County Sheriff gave me the weirdest look as he passed me going the other direction, but he did not stop me.


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## Terry Small Jr (Aug 31, 2008)

The Border Patrol has checkpoints set up on most roads & Interstates around San Diego County, at the county line. This has frequently been a source of entertainment.

Last Friday I was coming back from the Valley of Doom (Imperial Valley) with a load of deadouts. The BP agent asked me "What do you have on those pallets?" I told him empty bee hives. He said "I'll take your word for it" and vigorously waved me through.

Things like this have happened many times. It always makes me feel better after working bees in the valley. Especially when the more experienced agents on the right side of the truck are standing back and laughing.


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## suttonbeeman (Aug 22, 2003)

For 19 years I was on the local Fire Dept. Started when I was 21 and nickname was beeman. I lived close to station and usually drove truck to fire. I could get out of bed, drive to station and get truck on road in 2 minutes. Noone could beat me and said it was the bee venom. Most everyone gave me a hard time(kiddingly) and loved to get on me about my bees. We had Drill(practice/class)every Tuesday evening. So I get a old bee package that day and put MANY (probably 200) drones in it. We had a small building at the time and after you backed trucks in there was a 8' table,not alot of room and everyone sat around it and up on back of trucks. Well I walk in late with a towel wrapped around my cage. Walk up to table looking really mad, take off towell and open cage, cussing you bunch of blanky blankys all while shaking the bees out of cage. With the big buzz drones make all were trying to take cover.....diving under trucks, knocking each over and in general in a big panic! one said Hell hes gone crazy! Well I start laughing and finally told them they were drones and couldnt sting. Most were ok with it but a couple stayed mad for some time, especially the one who dived under truck and hit his head really hard...had a knot for a couple of days.


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## Terry Small Jr (Aug 31, 2008)

*Re: Try Not to Laugh*



NewbeeNnc said:


> Isn't Tejon pass where there have been some bad train wrecks because of the grade?


No, that's Cajon, not El Cajon (a city in SD County) Pass. It follows I-15. Tejon pass, on I-5, is usually referred to as 'The Grapevine'.


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## gmcharlie (May 9, 2009)

Tom G. Laury said:


> One year he brought the honey, but said it wasn't fit for table use as it had bitterweed mixed in. But...it was good for baiting bears; just throw on a fire..





Tom, that actually works great, killed my 2 biggest bears over honey burns in Canada


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